February 3, 2016

It was mid-afternoon when Shinji returned from his hunt for supplies. He dropped his backpack in the kitchen, not bothering to unpack it, and collapsed in the living room, the very picture of misery and despair.
Asuka entered the room and looked around, frowning as she caught sight of him. "What's your problem?" she asked.
He sniffled. "Nothing." He didn't look at her, just stared out the window.
She rolled her eyes. "Oh Christ, not this again--"
"Shut up!" he shouted. "You aren't the only one who's suffering!"
She went very still. "What?" Her voice had taken on a dangerous edge, but if Shinji noticed he gave no indication.
Shinji was fighting back tears. "I killed my friend, don't you understand? He's dead because of me, and so is Ayanami, and all of this --" he waved his arms to encompass the whole of the world "--is all because of me. I didn't do anything to help you or Misato, and even though I piloted everyone is dead because of me! It's all my fault!" He was really worked up now.
"You're really full of yourself, aren't you?" she said flatly.
And all at once, it was back. That rage she hadn't seen since Instrumentality began. She stuck out her chin in challenge. "Stupid Shinji. Going to finish the job this time?" she whispered, tone full of vicious mockery.
That did it. He instantly deflated, utterly defeated, and sank to the ground in misery.
She looked at him with a mixture of pity and disgust. "It isn't your fault," she said.
He looked up at her, then away. "It is. I killed him, and Ayanami killed everyone else because of me."
She crossed the room to the kitchen. She hauled his pack up onto the counter, then started digging through it to see if he'd found anything tasty. "You're an idiot," she said. "Little Miss Perfect was always going on about how she wasn't a doll, so why are you acting like she had no choice here?" The irony of this statement was not lost on her. "She was the one in control. There was nothing stopping her from saying 'hey, this might not be such a hot idea, maybe I shouldn't do it.' And yet she looked at this stupid, broken little child in front of her and said 'yeah, I'll do what he wants and end everyone, that's totally a great plan!'" She punctuated the last with a couple of thumbs up and a mocking grin. "How is that your fault?"
He glared at her. "Don't talk about her like that!"
She turned toward him, hand on hip. "Am I wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know!" he cried. The anger drained out of him, and he shrugged. "She still did it because of me."
"Yeah, because she was stupid. Get over it already." Her eyes widened as she caught sight of something in his stash. "Ooh, tuna!" she said, grinning brightly. She opened the can and started eating. "Who is this Kaworu person, anyway?"
"He was a good person," Shinji said. "He came to Nerv to be a pilot after you . . . went away. He was my friend and I killed him."
"Why?" she asked.
"I had to," he replied. "If I didn't, everyone would have died."
"Why?" she pressed.
He fidgeted. "He was an angel!"
She stopped, looked at him.
He shrugged. "He was an angel who looked like a human. Like Ayanami, I guess."
She shook her head in disbelief. "Weird. So why did you have to kill him?"
Shinji waved his hands helplessly. "He said that humans deserved to live. He wanted me to live and be happy, so I had to kill him!"
"That's what he wanted?" she asked.
He nodded. "Yes."
"You're sure?" she asked.  "That's what he said?"
"Yes!" he shouted.
"If that's so," she observed, a wry look on her face, "then why didn't he leave?"
He stared at her. ". . . what?"
She threw the empty can in the trash bin. "If he wanted us to live, why didn't he go back to where he came from? If he was like Ayanami he had to live somewhere before he came to Nerv, right? Why did you have to do anything?"
"He was an angel!" Shinji cried.
"So what?" She shrugged. "If he wants us to live he lets us live and goes away, simple."
He scowled. "It wasn't like that."
She cocked her head. "Why not?"
"If I didn't kill him he would have started Third Impact!" he shouted, exasperated.
She just stared at him, then burst out laughing.
Now he was really confused. "It's not funny! Why are you laughing?"
"Are you an idiot?"
He just stared at her, completely bewildered.
She rolled her eyes. "Shinji, you said it yourself. He was an angel! He showed up, made friends with you, and then held the fate of humanity over your head to make you kill him. How can you not see it? He wasn't your friend, he was there to destroy you."
"That's ridiculous!" he exclaimed.
She shook her head. "What's ridiculous is thinking that such an absurd situation could possibly be your fault."
"I don't believe you," he said. "Kaworu was a good person!"
She laughed derisively. "Oh my god, you are so naive." She shrugged. "Whatever. Good people don't force others to make decisions like that. It isn't right."
He didn't reply.
"Don't you get it? You're a victim here. You're blaming yourself for their decisions, but you were used and manipulated just like I was. All of that crap," she said, jerking a thumb toward the door, "is Nerv's fault, not yours. And Ayanami and Kaworu made their stupid decisions all by themselves."
"You're wrong!" he shouted. He got to his feet. "They never gave you a choice," he went on. "They used you and they, they threw you away, like you said! But I had a choice! They all gave me a choice, and I chose wrong every time! No matter what you say, this is my fault!"
She looked at him silently for a few moments, leaning against the kitchen counter. "It was a false choice, Shinji," she said softly.
He gave her a sullen stare, then shuffled off to his room. Before he closed the door he said, "you don't understand anything."
She watched the door close with crossed arms. "Idiot," she said. She began emptying his pack, taking inventory as she put everything away. Outside the cicadas droned on, continuing their chatter as dusk fell upon the city.

September 10, 2018

Asuka opened the door with a look of absolute boredom. "What do you want?"
Misato gave her a sunny smile. "Morning Asuka!" She looked Asuka up and down, then frowned. "You don't look so good; did you sleep well?"
"I haven't slept well for years."
Misato nodded sympathetically. "Ah. Yes, I suppose that makes sense." She waited a beat. "Um . . . "
Asuka stared at her through narrowed eyes, then relented. "Fine," she said, stepping back. "Come in if you want."
"Thanks!" Misato chirped, crossing the threshold.
"Whatever."
Misato looked around the apartment. "Shinji not here?"
Asuka shrugged. "School, I guess."
Misato nodded. "That's right, summer vacation's over, isn't it? That's just as well, then; you're the one I wanted to talk to anyway."
"Wonderful," the girl drawled.
"We have to figure out what you're going to do now that everything's settled down," Misato noted, leaning against the wall.
Asuka shrugged again, saying nothing.
"Did you want to go back to Kyoto?" Misato asked.
"No," Asuka said, venom in her voice. "Never."
Misato blinked. "Sounds like you feel pretty strongly about that. Dr. Kotetsu reported that you were making great progress --"
Asuka snarled at the mention of the doctor's name. "I'm not going back, Misato."
"Did something happen?" Misato asked.
Asuka didn't respond.
"If it did," Misato went on, "you should talk to me about it."
"Why?" Asuka asked. "It's not like you care anyway. You just want to find a way to get me out of your hair, same as always."
Misato laughed nervously, taken aback. "Now Asuka, that's not really fair --"
Asuka laughed, a short, vicious bark. "Don't talk to me about fair, you bitch! You never wanted to deal with me in Germany, and when I came here you watched me fall to pieces in front of your eyes without doing a damn thing about it."
"Hold on now --" Misato began.
"And then you let the commander hang me out to dry, before you threw me out like garbage when I was no longer useful --"
"Asuka, wait a minute --" Misato protested, holding up a hand.
"--and then when Kaji died you completely forgot about me until I crawled into a hole somewhere to slit my wrists and die! And after Third Impact, when you finally found us, you sent me to another damn city so that fucking piece of shit could . . . " Asuka broke off, shaking with rage. She sucked in a breath of air and shot her guardian a fiery look. "Don't act like you're concerned," she hissed. "I know better."
Misato stared at her, tight-lipped, waiting for her charge's anger to run its course. "Are you finished now?"
"Tch."
"It might surprise you to learn I agree with you." Asuka's eyes narrowed in surprise at the admission. "Everything you said is true. I did a terrible job with the both of you, and there's no excuse for it. Nothing about the circumstances changes what happened to you. It was criminal, and it was wrong, and I'll regret it until the day I die. But even so, you have to think about your situation here: you aren't equipped to live on your own, and neither is Shinji. You both need a lot of help and support, and there aren't exactly a lot of candidates banging on the door for the job. For better or worse I'm the closest thing to family either of you has."
Asuka shook her head, crossing her arms and staring sullenly at the floor.
"And I do care about you," Misato insisted. "I can't undo any of the things that have happened to you, but I can do my best to look out for you in the future. And I want to do that."
"No you don't," Asuka spat. "The only reason you're bothering at all is because of him."
"That isn't true," Misato countered. "But even if it was, does it really matter? Either way --"
Asuka stamped her foot, her arms locked at her sides. "Of course it matters!" she shrieked.
Misato actually took a step back at that, shocked by the vehemence of Asuka's response. She stared at the girl before her, so full of rage and hurt and betrayal, and her confusion slowly gave way to understanding. "I see," she said. Asuka glared at her, but held her tongue. Misato took her shoulders gently in hand, moving slowly so as not to startle her. "I've really misjudged you, haven't I?" Misato asked. "All this time, I thought your only interest was in survival. Shinji, me, even Kaji were just means to that end. But it wasn't like that at all, was it?" She laughed ruefully, squeezing gently. "No, of course not. It's so obvious, given what happened with your mom. I guess I never really made the connection because of everything else that was going on."
Asuka said nothing, but the wary look in her eyes spoke volumes.
"Alright then. I think I can understand your feelings now. And I can't really blame you; I'd be pretty skeptical myself if I was in your position. So that means I'll just have to prove it, right?" She gave Asuka a gentle smile. "But you'll have to give me the chance to do that, Asuka. I can't force you to accept me. All I can do is do my best to earn your trust. And that starts right now." She guided Asuka to a chair in the kitchen, sitting on another herself. "If you won't go back to Kyoto--" Asuka shook her head violently "-- then here's plan B. The unit next door is vacant at the moment. How would you like to live there?"
Asuka hesitated, then gave a half-hearted shrug.
"My own apartment is right down the hall, so I'll be here if you need me. And, since you'll be in your own place, you won't have to deal with Shinji or me if you don't want to. How does that sound?"
Asuka considered for a moment. "Fine," she mumbled. The bitter resentment in her voice seemed to have receded for the moment, replaced by a wary vulnerability more fitting for a girl of her age.
"Alrighty then!" Misato chirped, all smiles again. "I'll make the arrangements with the rental office. We'll have to go shopping to get you some supplies, but we should wait until Shinji gets home to do that; we'll need someone to carry the bags, right?" She smiled brightly, full of forced cheer.
Asuka smirked. "Heh."
"Oh, and since you just woke up you must be hungry." She got up, heading for the pantry. "Why don't I --"
Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
"Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry and --"
"No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
"Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
"Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.

October 10, 2018

Asuka was watching TV with Shinji when she saw the news report: Dr. Hoshi Kotetsu of Kyoto shot and killed, apparently due to a self-inflicted gunshot wound, amidst allegations that he had had inappropriate physical contact with no less than 23 of his patients. Shinji turned to stare at her, but she was already halfway to the front door. She tore through it and ran down the hall, banging on the door to Misato's apartment.
Misato opened the door, clad in shorts and a t-shirt, beer in hand. "Evening Asuka," she said mildly. "What can I do for you?"
Asuka just stared at her, then at the TV behind her. It was airing the same report. She turned back to Misato. "You . . . " she began, struggling to find words. "What did you do?" she asked.
Misato gave her an appraising look. She turned, heading back inside, and beckoned Asuka to follow. "The world's a violent and unpredictable place lately," she mused, returning to her seat. “These things do happen, from time to time.” She turned toward Asuka. "But you needn't worry," she said.
"W-why is that?" Asuka asked, nervous.
Misato just smiled. "Because I will protect you," she said.
Asuka swallowed thickly, looking at her guardian with a mixture of awe and fear. Misato looked up as the door opened, grinning at Shinji as he walked through. "Heya Shinji!" she chirped.
"What's going on?" he asked. "That doctor, wasn't he . . .?"
"Asuka," Misato said, interrupting the boy, "why don't you take Shinji back to his place? I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about."
Asuka blinked, somewhat dazed by the past five minutes of her life. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, I guess so. Let's go, Shinji."
"Huh?" he asked, confused. "Um, okay." He preceded her out the door, and Asuka took one last look behind her as she left. Misato was watching the TV, paying them no mind. Asuka closed the door and headed back to Shinji's apartment.