August 26, 2016

Shinji was exiting the shower when he heard a knock on the door. He cursed, wrapping the towel around him. He headed for the door. "Who could that be?" he wondered.
He was not prepared for the face that greeted him when he opened the door. "Touji!" he exclaimed.
Touji gave hm a wistful smile. "Heya, Shin-man," he said, somewhat subdued. "How ya doin'?"
"I-" Shinji stammered. "I'm . . . "
Touji smirked. "Spit it out, dummy."
"I . . . please come in!" Shinji bowed and moved away from the doorway.
Touji chuckled and stepped inside. Shinji just stared him for a few moments, then said, " I . . . I gotta get dressed."
"Sure," Touji laughed. "Take your time."
Shinji left for a bit, then returned fully dressed. He looked at Touji, still shocked by the latter's presence. "How did you find me?" he asked.
Touji laughed. "It wasn't hard," he said. "When I came out there were people there to meet me, and I said I was a friend of yours. They told Miss Misato, and she told me how to find you. So I came here as soon as I could." He blushed a little. "Well, after I tracked down Hikari, that is."
Shinji brightened. "Miss Horaki's here? She's alive?"
Touji nodded. "Yep! She's fine. Her sisters are too." He grinned. "And so is Sakura, in case you're wondering."
Shinji smiled, delighted. "Thank goodness," he said. His face fell, a tidal wave of guilt engulfing him as the memories took hold. "I'm sorry I never came to see you," he said, his voice cracking. "After what happened I couldn't . . . I couldn't face you, and . . . " He stopped, frowning in confusion as he looked his friend over. "Your leg," he whispered. "It's . . . "
Touji looked at his leg, laughing lightly. "Yeah," he said. "Pretty cool, huh?" He looked back at Shinji. "It's weird, though; the leg's fine, but there's a scar where it was originally cut off. Kinda freaks me out."
Shinji nodded. "It's the same with Asuka," he said. "She has scars around her eye, and down her arm, and on her stomach. She's," he blushed, "she's really self-conscious about them."
"Heh," Touji said. "Guess that makes sense. Sucks though."
"Yeah." Shinji gulped, then looked at his friend. He bowed deeply. "I'm so sorry! That was all my fault. If only I had done something . . . " He righted himself, clenching his fists. "I always run away! And when I do, something terrible happens. To you, to Asuka, to Ayanami . . . everyone always suffers because of me!"
Touji just stared at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked, baffled.
Shinji blinked in confusion.
"You weren't the one who infected me with an Angel," his friend went on. "You were just a kid, Shinji. I mean, you didn't even know who was piloting the Eva, right? You just didn't want to hurt anyone. And then you were in this impossible situation, and you just . . . froze up. How was that your fault?"
Shinji scowled. "Asuka says the same thing," he said.
Touji blinked, surprised. "Really?" he asked. He scratched his head. "Huh. Well, she's right."
Shinji shook his head. "But I should have done something! I should have--"
Touji held up a hand. "Look man, it's no big deal. I mean yeah, maybe you should have done something, but so what? Maybe if you had things would have been worse. Who knows? Either way I'm not gonna blame you for what happened. The Angel's responsible for that, not you."
Shinji sulked. "Even so . . . " he said.
Touji scowled. "Look," he growled, "I didn't come here to argue with you. We gonna hit the arcade, or what?"
Shinji blinked at him, stunned. Then he grinned. "Sure!" he said.
Touji jerked his head to the door. "Alright then, let's go."
Shinji nodded, following his friend out the door.

October 13, 2019

They were watching TV at his place when he said it. There was nothing of note to watch, of course, it being Sunday morning and all. But it was a nice way to kill time until her lunch date with Hikari. And then, out of the blue, he said it. "Asuka?" he asked.
She kept her attention on the TV. "What is it?"
He fidgeted a bit, then said, "I think I . . . like you."
She turned her head, appraising him for a moment. Then she narrowed her eyes and said, "Idiot. Don't talk about things you don't understand."
He blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She snorted. "You don't even know what love is, you blockhead."
He frowned. "I don't think that's true."
"Of course it's true," she mocked. "You can't even love yourself, what on earth makes you think you can love me?"
He fidgeted. "Well . . . "
"Things are hard enough for us without you saying stupid shit like that," she went on. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"I don't . . . " Shinji sputtered, shrinking back. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I just thought it was something you'd like to hear."
"'Something I'd like to hear'," she repeated. "Yeah, that's what I figured."
Shinji's mouth worked, but no sound came out.
"Shinji," she said coldly, "do you really think I don't know what people say about me?" Her lips twisted into a mocking sneer. " 'Oh that Asuka, she's such a bitch! Can't you do something to calm her down?' That's what they say. And here you come, saying you like me, or any of the other stupid things you've been saying the past few weeks. Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?"
He shook his head, utterly bewildered. "No, you're wrong! That's not--"
"It is!" she barked. She pointed at his crotch. "That's the only love you've ever known, and we both know how that turned out!"
Shinji went very still, remembering the horrible day and all the self-hatred that went along with it. "How can you say that?" he asked. "You know I . . . " he trailed off, unable to continue.
She took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. When she opened her eyes, She glared at him in disgust. "What we have between us is guilt and desperation, not love. I don't like it. I know you don't like it, either. But we're stuck with it. Don't make it worse for both of us by pretending it's something it's not."
He didn't respond. He just drooped, shocked into silence by her words.
She glared at him again, but held her tongue. She looked at her watch. "I gotta go meet up with Hikari." She stood up, heading for the door. "I'll see you later."
He remained silent. She glanced back at him as she left, chewing her lower lip in indecision. Then she scowled and pressed forward, closing the door behind her.

Asuka was in a foul mood when she got to the noodle shop. After ordering a bowl of udon she found Hikari, sat down, and angrily started eating.
"You seem upset," her friend observed. "Is something wrong?"
Asuka stabbed at her noodles with her chopsticks. "That brat Shinji," she replied. "He's really pissing me off lately."
"Brat?" Hikari observed.
"He had the nerve to tell me he liked me this morning," Asuka growled.
Hikari clapped her hands together in glee. "Shinji confessed? That's wonderful!"
Asuka glared at her. "Don't make me laugh," she growled.
Hikari looked confused. "What do you mean? What's wrong?"
Asuka shook her head. "He doesn't mean it, Hikari," she said. "He's just as fucked up as I am, he doesn't know how to love another person." She scowled. "He's such a wimp. People complain about me being a bitch all the time, and lately he's been offering me silly bits of praise just to keep me under control." She fiercely attacked her noodles. "If only he'd stand up for himself. Or me! So what if I piss people off? He knows what it's like, he should stick up for me anyway. But no, he just wants to avoid causing a fuss. Can't have people upset at him or anything, oh no."
Hikari gave her a skeptical look. "I don't think that's true, Asuka."
"Of course it's true," she spat. She stared at the table mounfully, dragging her fingers through her hair. "Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? We were doing okay for a while there, and now he has to start all of this shit." She clenched a fist. "It makes me so mad!"
Hikari raised her hands, urging Asuka to calm down. "Now wait," she began. "Did he actually say anything like that?"
"He didn't have to," Asuka said. "He wouldn't know subtlety if he tripped over it, so it's obvious."
Hikari didn't reply, instead watching in silence as Asuka devoured her food.
"I'm gonna get another bowl," Asuka mumbled.
"Okay." Soon after Asuka left, Touji Suzuhara entered the shop. Hikari waved at him. "Hi Touji!"
Touji walked over to the table, smiling at his girlfriend all the while. "Hey, 'Kari." He glanced over at Asuka. "How's the demon doing?"
Hikari scowled. "You better not call her that to her face, Touji. She's in a really bad mood today."
They didn't get any farther before Asuka returned. She gave Touji a tight glare as she sat down. "What the hell are you doing here?" she growled.
Touji gave her a mocking smile. "Love you too, Soryu."
Asuka slammed down her bowl and stabbed a finger in Touji's direction. "Don't you start with me, Suzuhara. I've already had enough of that shit from Shinji today, and if you push me I'll make you sorry, peace treaty or no."
Touji shot Hikari an inquiring look. "Shinji confessed to her this morning," she explained.
Touji looked back at Asuka, puzzled. "And that's bad?"
Asuka slammed her fist on the table and glared at Touji.
"She doesn't think he means it," Hikari explained. "She thinks it's an act or something, to make sure she doesn't cause anyone any trouble."
"That's exactly it!" Asuka insisted. "If you could only see the way he acts toward me . . . " She gritted her teeth, then dug into her second bowl.
Touji frowned. "Uh, Soryu . . . "
She shot him a glare that promised death if he continued.
He shifted uncomfortably. "Look, you know I'm not exactly your biggest fan and all, but I think you're kinda off base here."
"Then you're an idiot," she spat.
He shook his head. "No, seriously, what you're saying doesn't make sense. I spend more time with the guy than anyone, apart from you I guess, and he never talks about you embarrassing him or anything. He just wants to make you happy."
"Of course he does," she snarled. "If he makes me happy he'll get praise, and then he'll feel like he's worth a damn. Same old Shinji."
Touji and Hikari shared a look. "Asuka," Hikari began, "that's a really cynical way to look at it."
Asuka didn't look up. "What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Well," Hikari hedged, "it's true that he's always a little concerned or upset when he's talking about you, since that's just the way you two are . . . "
Asuka made a face, but didn't comment.
" . . . but even so, when he talks about something good that happened between you two his face just lights up, like he--"
"Yeah!" Touji interrupted. "He'll get this stupid grin on his face, like he's the happiest guy on Earth."
Hikari nodded.
Asuka looked up. "That's . . . that's insane." She glared at them. "You guys are just defending him!"
Touji scoffed. "You think it's just us?" he asked, incredulous.
Asuka looked at Hikari. Hikari blushed a little, then said, "Everyone knows about it." She laughed nervously. "It's, ah . . . it's kinda obvious."
Asuka shook her head, wide-eyed. "No, he's just . . . I mean, it's Shinji, he . . ." She looked from Hikari to Touji and back again. "Everyone?" she asked.
"Well . . . " Hikari hedged. She glanced at Touji, then shrugged.
Asuka went still, considering. All at once, the full weight of the morning's events hit her like a ton of bricks. Her fingers slackened, her chopsticks falling to the floor.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked, concerned. "Are you alright?"
Asuka leaned forward, cradling her head in her hands.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked again. "Asuka!"
Asuka slowly turned her head to face her friend. "Hikari, I think I might have made a huge mistake."
Hikari gave Touji a telling look, and he got up to leave without another word. Hikari moved her chair next to Asuka's and put a comforting arm around her friend's shoulders. "It will be alright," she soothed. "We'll get Shinji here and get this all sorted out."
Asuka didn't reply. She just sat there, hands tangled in her hair, feeling her world falling to pieces around her.

Shinji glowered at Touji as they approached the noodle shop. "Why are we doing this again?" he grumbled. "It's not like it'll change anything."
Touji frowned. "I don't know if it will or not, but you didn't see her earlier. She's really messed up."
Shinji glowered. "Like that's news. She's always messed up, same as me."
"I know but . . . " Touji scratched his head. "We gotta do something, y'know? I mean, it's not like we think we can fix your problems or anything, but we gotta at least try."
Shinji just shrugged. "Fine, whatever." They reached the noodle shop, and he let his friend lead him inside.
The girls were in the back, just as before. Shinji wasn't sure what he'd expected to find when he got there, but the miserable girl in front of him wasn't it. She looked defeated, like someone who'd realized she'd lost and had resigned herself to her fate. She didn't say anything, to him or anyone else. She just stared off into space, as if in a daze.
Shinji gave her a concerned look, then frowned. He turned to leave. "I'm going home," he said.
Hikari stood up. "Shinji, wait! Asuka wants to apologize."
Asuka gave her a hollow laugh. "It's too late," she rasped. "An apology won't take back what I said."
Hikari stared at her owlishly. "You have to try though, don't you?" Hikari looked at both of them uncertainly, the severity of the situation unmistakable.
Shinji sat down, regarding Asuka with a mixture of hurt and anger. His fingers twitched, before closing into a fist. "You need to start listening to what I say," he said softly. "I may be an idiot, but I know how I feel. Better than you do, anyway."
She nodded.
"I don't mind being hurt sometimes," he went on. "That doesn't mean I like it, but I can deal with it. It means you're being honest with me and I appreciate that. But this morning, you went too far."
"I know," she said.
He leaned on the table. "When you got back from Kyoto, you said you wanted to be friends with me. Don't you remember that?"
Asuka's eyes were watering. "Yes."
"Is this how you treat your friends?" His voice was tinged with anger. "Are things really so terrible between us that you would say something like that?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, tears rolling down her face, and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I--"
"That doesn't help," he said. "If that's how you really feel . . . "
Asuka was sobbing now. Hikari put a comforting arm around her and shot Shinji a disapproving frown. "That's enough, Shinji."
He stared at Asuka, hurt and confused and ashamed. A few moments later he stood, and turned to leave. "Fine," he said. "I'll see you later, then." He left the noodle shop, leaving the crying girl in his wake.

It was dark when Asuka got home. She entered, and found him watching TV. "I'm home," she said.
He nodded at her. "Welcome back," he replied. His tone was subdued.
She joined him in front of the TV. She sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked at him several times, chewing her lip as she tried to think of something to say. The silence between them stretched on for several minutes. He looked . . . resigned. It wasn't surprising, really; the situation was what it was, and he was very good at coping. Asuka squeezed her eyes shut, suppressing a shudder as she replayed the morning's events in her mind. She took a deep breath, and slowly began speaking. "I just couldn't believe that you felt that way about me," she said, her voice low. "I have so many problems, and I'm such a nasty bitch sometimes," she went on. She smiled a self-deprecating smile. "Well, most of the time, I guess." She laughed awkwardly. "And I'm not even all that pretty anymore, thanks to these stupid scars. I couldn't imagine anyone would feel that way about me. So I just assumed . . . " she shrugged.
"I know," he said. "It's fine."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't say that. It makes you seem like a doormat."
He shrugged. "Sorry."
She scowled. "And don't start that again!" She turned to stare at the TV. "Why would you even feel that way about me, anyway?"
"Who cares?" he asked. "It's not like it matters anyway."
"It matters!" she exclaimed. "It matters to me, anyway."
He looked at her, then at the floor. He frowned, considering. "In the beginning all I felt was guilt, just like you said. I felt horrible for what had happened to you, and I didn't do anything to stop it." He looked back at her. "But a lot's happened since then. There's so much more to it now."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well . . . " he took his chin in hand. "Things were really hard for us after Third Impact. Even when we weren't fighting, there were still the dreams, and just trying to get by. It was so awful."
"Yeah." Asuka smiled ruefully, hard pressed to disagree.
"But no matter how hard it got," he went on, "you endured. You were so fierce and strong, and even when you used it against me I still admired that strength."
Asuka scowled. "What does that have to do with anything?"
But Shinji ignored her, caught up in his memories. "And it wasn't always bad!" he said. "We had good days, too. Sometimes we'd find a really good stash of food, or . . . " he brightened. "The cello! You remembeer the cello, right?"
She flushed a bit. "Yeah."
"You went to so much trouble to bring it back, to fix things." He smiled at her fondly. "You have no idea how much that meant to me."
She shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I had to do something . . . "
"And after that," he went on, "well . . . why wouldn't I start to like you? Isn't that natural in that sort of situation?
She was beet red at this point. "How would I know?" she mumbled.
"We were fighting a lot when Misato found us," he went on, "so all I felt at that point was frustration. But then, when you went to Kyoto . . . " he shook his head. "After things settled down a bit I was really worried about you. I never heard anything about what was going on, so I didn't know if you were getting better or not. All I knew was that I wasn't there to look after you, and that was really important to me for some reason. And I never really figured out what any of that meant." He thought for a moment, then shrugged. "But then you came back, and we talked about everything, and I just . . . stopped hurting so much. I started thinking about you without having to worry that something terrible would happen, and . . . " He turned toward her, looking at her in earnest. "No one's been saying you're terrible, Asuka. At least not to me. And if they did I wouldn't listen to them. The only reason I've been saying those things is because they're true. I just . . . well, you already know I'm an idiot," he said, blushing.
She giggled.
He coughed. "Well, anyway, that's how I feel."
Asuka chewed her lip, considering. "If that's the case, then I guess I have to . . . have to accept."
"Huh?" he asked, puzzled.
"Your confession," she explained. "That's how it works, right? You confess, I accept."
He blinked a bit at the breathy tone in her voice, then relaxed. "Oh, that," he said. He crossed his arms with a smirk. "Actually, I take it back."
She jerked back. "What?" she asked. "Whaaaat?" she went on. "You can't do that!"
"I don't think there's any rule against it," he said, deadpan.
"You just got done explaining why you like me," she said. "You can't take it back now!"
He harumphed, and stuck out his chin. "Just because I have strong feelings for you doesn't mean I think dating you would be a good idea."
"But you . . . you stupid . . . " she fumed. "Shinji, you brat! That doesn't even make sense!"
"It makes sense to me," he said, sulking. "And besides," he went on, his voice tinged with bitter disappointment, "it's not like you share my feelings, anyway."
She licked her lips, scrambling to recover. "Now, just--hold on a minute, Shinji. Let's not be hasty here."
He looked at her through narrowed eyes. "You weren't exactly unclear about your feelings this morning, you know."
"Well . . . " she trailed off.
"You said--" he began.
"I know what I said!" she shouted. She twiddled her index fingers nervously. "But even so, a lot has happened since then, and I just . . . I just . . . " Her hands shot down to her sides. "I don't want you to take it back!"
He regarded her with mute incredulity. "Are you for real?" he asked.
She crossed her legs, planting her hands in her lap. "Hmph," she said, chin up with all the pride she could muster. She looked at him sidelong, then looked away quickly.
He stared at her in wonder for a couple of beats, then finally gave in. "Fine," he sighed. "If that's what you want."
She nodded. "That's what I want."
"Fine."
"Good."
"Alright."
"Good!"
He turned back to the TV. He watched for a few minutes, then said, "You're impossible."
"Shut up, stupid Shinji," she replied. She sidled up next to him, leaning on him as they watched the TV together.

March 14, 2016

Asuka entered the kitchen, finding Shinji there. "You weren't there when I woke up," she said. She sounded hurt.
Shinji didn't turn around. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"You weren't there yesterday, either," she said.
He shrugged. "I can't be looking after you all the time."
Asuka narrowed her eyes. "That's not what I'm talking about. I already apologized for what I said, didn't I?"
He sighed. "I know you did. And I said it's fine, didn't I?"
"You're still mad," she said, hurt.
"I'm not mad." He sounded mad.
"You're acting like you're mad," she said.
"I'm not mad!" he exclaimed. "I just . . . don't know what to do. "
She scowled. "So you're just given up? That's even worse!"
He shrugged again, sulking. "Sorry to be such a disappointment."
She was quiet for a bit. Then, "You were doing fine before."
He laughed. "I don't think so."
She made a frustrated noise. "Why won't you let me fix things?"
He turned around, his face a mask of misery. "I'm gonna go outside for a bit," he said, heading toward the door. "I'll be back later."
Her fingers tangled in her hair, pulling at it in desperation. "What the hell am I gonna do?" she mumbled.

It took some time, but eventually she came to a decision. She turned on the house's computer terminal and started looking around online; A lot of the internet was down due to Third Impact, but a surprising amount of it had survived intact. Enough, at least, for her to find maps and a directory. She found a likely candidate near the outskirts of town, near the Hakone blast radius, and figured a route to get there. She estimated it would be about an hour each way. She packed a small backpack with food and water, and then headed outside.

As it turned out, her estimate was somewhat conservative; she got there in a little over forty five minutes. This appeared to be the right place. It was wrecked, just like he said, and there were a bunch of instruments lying around the store. It didn't take long for her to find Shinji's cello, still in its case. Per her suggestion to Shinji, she wrote a note for the owner. It was in hiragana, and it probably made her sound like a child, but whatever. That was the least of her problems at the moment.
Getting it back to the apartment proved to be a chore. The instrument itself wasn't the problem -- it was a pretty good model, and as such weighed less than three kilograms. The problem was the case, which also contained the bow, some music, and various other items. All told it weighed some fifteen kilos, nearly half of her body weight.
She tried towing it at first -- it had wheels -- but quickly found that to be cumbersome. The case also had straps, allowing it to be carried on the back like a backpack, but that meant carrying the thing's full weight. It also meant the case hit her in the thighs as she walked, which was annoying and forced her to adjust her pace. She ultimately decided on a combined approach, towing it on pavement and other smooth surfaces and carrying it over rubble or uneven ground.
Halfway home she stopped to rest. "I really hope that idiot appreciates this," she grumped, taking a swig of water. She sighed. "'I just wanted to do something nice for you,'" she mocked. She shook her head. "What a fucking idiot." She sighed again, hauled the cello onto her back, and trudged on.
By the time she got back to the apartment she was hot, sweaty, and ill-tempered. She banged loudly on the door. "Shinji, you idiot, get out here and help me!" She waited a bit, but there was no response. She banged again. "I swear to God, Shinji, if you make me dig out my keys to get in I'm gonna be pissed. Help me out here!"
Shinji opened the door. He looked irritated, but when he caught sight of her his ire turned to amazement. "Asuka . . . you . . . what did you . . . "
She ignored him, opting instead to shove the cello in his direction. "Here. It's your problem now." She stomped inside and collapsed in a chair, drinking heavily from her water bottle.
He took the case in hand by reflex, still utterly baffled by the situation. "But you said you didn't even want to hear it--"
"I never said that, you moron. I said I thought it was stupid, that's all. I don't really care if you play it or not."
He blinked in confusion, and began wheeling the cello into the living room. "But if that's true, why did you go to the trouble of bringing it here?"
She huffed in frustration. "Are you stupid?" His mouth worked, but no sound came out. She closed her eyes and forced herself to calm down. "You were moping around like a brain dead moron," she said. "You weren't paying attention to me, and you wouldn't believe me when I said I was sorry, so I had to do something to get your attention."
He shook his head. "But you don't even like it when I--"
She screamed in annoyance and stomped her foot. "Stop it!" she yelled. "Stop being stupid! God, you can be such an idiot sometimes!" He stared back at her blankly. She took another swig of water." I can't explain everything to you, dumbass. Just work it out."
Shinji scratched his head and thought about it. He still didn't get it, but this was obviously important to her. "Well then . . . is it okay if I play something?"
She clenched her fists, suddenly very angry. "Why the hell are you even asking me that? Haven't we been over this? You don't need my permission to do something you like! Jeez! If you want to play, play! You don't have to ask me if it's okay!"
He shook his head. "No, I didn't mean . . . what I meant was, would it bother you?"
She went still. All at once her anger had evaporated. "Oh," she said. "Well, that's different. I don't really c--" She caught herself. "I mean, it's fine," she murmured. "Do as you please."

"That's not the same one you played before, is it?" she asked.
He shook his head. "No, this is from an anime that aired before Second Impact. The original version used a full orchestra, and there was an a cappella version, too. But later on they came out with a cello version, and I really liked it. That store had the sheet music for it, so I figured I might as well grab it."
"Huh." She stroked her chin in thought. "I didn't put anything about that in the note."
He frowned. "How did you write that, anyway? I thought you couldn't--"
She scowled. "I'm bad with kanji, dumbass. I'm not illiterate."
He laughed. "Sorry, sorry." He leaned forward, giving her an expectant look. "Did you like it?" he asked.
She shrugged. "It was fine." She frowned in thought. "It was better than the other one," she added. "That one was kinda boring."
He gave her a stupefied look. "Did you just call Bach boring?"
She stuck out her chin. "What of it?"
He narrowed his eyes. "You do realize he was German, right?"
She flushed, then scowled at him. "You shouldn't make fun of a girl when she's complimenting your music, you jerk!"
He just laughed at her.
"I mean seriously," she grumbled.
He smiled thoughtfully. "In fairness, that's a piece that changes a lot depending on who's playing it. Cellists use it to practice -- it's pretty easy to learn, but someone who's really good can do lots of neat things with it." He laughed self-consciously. "But, ah, I'm not really all that good as a cellist, so I guess the way I play it is kinda boring."
She shrugged. "I thought it was fine."
He smiled at the compliment. "Thanks." After a moment, his smile turned into a frown. "I still don't understand what I'm supposed to do, though." He stared at the floor, bracing himself for her inevitable rebuke. When it didn't come, he chanced a sidelong glance at her.
She was playing with her hair, eyes narrowed in thought. After a time she said, "You aren't supposed to do anything, dummy." She met his gaze, and gave him a weak smile. "You keep acting like there's some magic formula that will fix everything, and all you have to do is figure out what it is. But that isn't true. You can't change what happened, and you can't change what you did, any more than I can change what I did to you. And you don't have to. You really don't. All I want you to do is be there, so I can lean on you when I need to while I work on fixing myself."
He stared at her intently, trying to process what she had said. She could almost see the gears turning in his head.
She huffed in irritation. "Do you understand what I said?"
He nodded uncertainly. "I think so. Maybe?"
"Whatever," she mumbled. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."
He nodded. "Okay."
She got a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom. She stopped when she reached the door. "You'll be there when I wake up, right?"
He nodded. "I'll be there."
She turned and headed into the bathroom without another word.

March 12, 2016

Asuka awoke with a shout, clawing at her face as she fought to escape the dream's crushing grip. She was in the main living area of their apartment, with Shinji's futon right beside hers. She wrapped her arms around herself and doubled over, trying to calm herself.
Shinji watched her, weary and sympathetic. When she'd calmed a bit he asked, "That was the really bad one, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
Shinji chewed his lip in indecision, then sat up. He slowly reached for her, then lay a hand on her back. He started to rub slowly.
"Don't grab me," she said.
"Sorry." He started to pull his hand away.
"No, it's fine," she said. "What you're doing is fine. Just don't grab me."
"O-okay."
Asuka scowled. "I used to want to be held more than anything, but now the very thought of it sickens me." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "God, I hate this."
"Me too," he said.
"What was yours about?" she asked.
"Misato's blood, and Lilith's eyes," he replied.
"One of your worst ones, huh?"
"Yeah."
Asuka tolerated his touch for a few more minutes, then squirmed a little to shake him off. He pulled his hand back. "What time is it?" she asked.
"It's after nine," he replied. "Would you like some breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry," she said.
Shinji gave her a worried look. "That's what you said yesterday, and you said it again when I asked about dinner. You need to eat, Asuka."
She scowled at him. "I'll eat when I'm hungry."
"That's not enough!" he exclaimed. "You need to keep up your strength--"
"Stop bugging me about it!" she snapped. "It's none of your business, so fuck off."
"It is my business!" he insisted. "What happens if you get sick from malnutrition or something? I don't know how to handle something like that!"
"Stop being such a worrywart," she scoffed. "Nothing like that's gonna happen."
He didn't reply for a bit, but eventually said "I don't want to be alone, Asuka. Please, try to eat something."
Asuka growled in annoyance. "Fine, I'll eat something. Now go away and stop bothering me."
He sighed. "Okay, fine. We need some supplies anyway, so I'll go look around or something."
"Whatever," she mumbled. "Good."
"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked.
She waved a hand in a shooing motion, dismissing him.
He let out a frustrated breath and stood, then grabbed his pack and headed out of the apartment. As he got to the door, she said "Shinji?"
"What is it?" he asked.
"Don't be gone too long, okay?" He recognized the fragile tone in her voice.
"I won't," he said, reassuringly. "I'll be back by early afternoon."
She nodded.
He opened the door and left.

As promised, Shinji returned in the early afternoon. Asuka turned to greet him, then stopped in her tracks when she saw what he was carrying. It was a cello, case and all. "Where the hell did you get that?" she asked.
"I found it in a wrecked music shop near the edge of town. It's in pretty good shape!" he said, proudly running a hand over his prize.
Asuka arched an eyebrow. "So you're saying you stole it, then."
Shinji blinked in confusion. "W-what?"
She smirked. "It doesn't belong to you, and you took it. What else would you call it?"
Shinji took a step back, shaking his head. "W-wait, it wasn't like that! There was no one there, and everything was wrecked --"
"--and the owner can come back at any time, and when he does he'll be down one cello because you took it. That's theft," she said with a shrug.
"I see," he said, crestfallen.
"Why'd you do it, anyway? You never seemed all that passionate about playing the thing."
"I thought you might like it if I played something," he mumbled.
She scoffed. "Oh yeah, right. Like some light music's gonna make everything better, eh?"
He grimaced. "Fine, I'll take it back." He turned toward the door.
"I didn't say you had to do that," she said, her tone dripping with condescencion.
He stopped. He paused a moment, then turned and glared at her. "Why do you have to be so mean all the time? I was trying to do something nice for you!"
Asuka stepped back, panic setting in. "Look, I was just saying--"
"I know what you were saying!" he shouted. "I already said I'm taking it back!"
"You don't--" she began.
"What am I supposed to do, Asuka? Nothing I try works, and you just keep getting mad, and --"
"Stop it!" she cried. "Please, stop."
He stopped.
She took a deep breath. "I shouldn't have said that, okay?" she said. "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I really wasn't. I just . . . I didn't think it through."
"Whatever," he said, sulking. He turned toward the door again.
She tried again. "Shinji, wait."
He stopped, but didn't turn around. "What is it?"
She licked her lips, choosing her words carefully. "Those things need care, right? I mean, it's bad if you just leave them sitting around, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Well, we don't know when the owner's coming back. So what if you kept it here and left a note or something telling him where to find it? That way you'd be helping him out and you're just borrowing it."
He shrugged. "What's the point? I don't feel like playing anymore, and you don't want to hear it anyway."
"Shinji--"
"I'll be back later." He left without another word.
"Shit!" There were tears in her eyes when Asuka caught sight of herself in the mirror. "You stupid bitch," she spat. "Why do you keep doing that? What the hell is wrong with you?"

When Shinji got back Asuka was in the living room. Her eyes were red and she looked agitated.
"Are you still mad?" she asked.
He shook his head tiredly. "Not really. I just wanna get some sleep."
"I really wasn't trying to hurt you," she said, a pleading note in her voice.
"Okay," he said.
"And I'm glad you wanted to do something nice for me." Her voice was earnest.
He gave her a weak smile.
"I'm really trying not to be mean," she went on. "But everything's so fucked up . . . "
"Yeah." He lay down on his futon and closed his eyes.
"I don't know what to do either," she lamented.
"It's fine," he said. "Don't worry about it."
She fretted with her hands. "But it's not fine," she said quietly. "It's not fine at all."
He didn't respond, instead drifting off to sleep.

September 9, 2018

Shinji sat down at his computer and checked his e-mail. He had a message from Touji indicating his friend was psyched about starting up school the following day, and another from Misato with a link to a strange video on a media site involving an anime character making strange noises. It was a shot sequence, looped for over an hour. He frowned in annoyance and deleted it.
His cell phone rang. When he answered his guardian greeted him. "Hiya Shinji," she said, her voice somewhat subdued.
"Why do you keep sending me junk e-mail?" he asked.
"Whaaat?" she complained. "I'll have you know that's some of the finest entertainment on the internet!"
"You have strange taste," he observed.
"Says the kid who plays Bach, eh?" He could hear the smirk in her voice.
"That's . . . that's different!" he protested.
"Heh." Her tone shifted. "Listen Shinji, I've got some bad news."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I just heard from Asuka's therapist, Dr. Kotetsu," she said. "He says she started a fight at the facility and checked herself out."
"A fight?" Shinji asked. "Why would she do that?"
"I'm not sure," she replied. "I don't have all the details, and Dr. Kotetsu is being pretty tight-lipped about it. But what's important is the fact that we don't know where she is, and that it sounds like she's very upset."
"Is she alright?" His voice had gone up an octave.
"I don't know, Shinji," she replied. "But if you see her I want you to let me know right away, okay?"
"Sure," he said.
"And be careful," she went on. "She hasn't exactly been communicative lately, so I have no idea what's going through her head right now. You haven't heard from her, have you?"
"Of course not," he spat bitterly. "I write her every week, and can count her replies on one hand."
"I know," she said, sympathetic. "Just remember, Asuka's not exactly shy. If she didn't want to hear from you she'd tell you to quit bothering her."
"That's what you always say," he muttered.
"Because it's true!" The cheer in her voice almost sounded genuine. "But anyway," she went on, "I gotta get to work on finding her. Let me know if you hear anything."
"I will." Shinji hung up, then got ready to face the day.

Asuka knocked on his door about a half hour after Misato's call. Shinji answered, and found her dressed in proffessional attire: a blouse, skirt, and jacket. She had circles under her eyes and seemed somewhat harried, but nonetheless gave him a weak smile when she saw him. "Hey, stupid Shinji," she said. "Mind if I come in?"
Shinji just stared, eyes wide. "Uh, s-sure, Asuka. Please come in."
"Thanks," she said.
Shinji pulled out his phone. "I need to call Misato," he said. "She's looking for you." He started to dial, but she lay her hand over his to stop him.
"Don't," she asked. "This is our business, not hers."
Shinji looked at her, confused. Her tone was very strange. "O-okay, I guess."
She smiled at him. "Let's sit down somewhere."
"S-sure." Shinji led them to his living room, where they sat near the wall.
"What's this about, Asuka? Misato said something about a fight. And why did you leave the hospital? Wasn't it your idea to go there?"
Her face darkened, but she closed her eyes and calmed herself. "That doesn't matter. Don't worry about it."
He nodded. "Well then . . . what did you want to talk about?"
She leaned against the wall, thinking. "There were a lot of things you did before Third Impact that pissed me off. And some of them were really, really bad. You know what I'm talking about." She gave him a pointed stare, and he squirmed. "I hated you for what you did to me then, and I never forgave you for it. And I don't think I ever will."
She was silent for a bit, and her brow furrowed, as though she was trying to remember what came next.
"But after Third Impact, when we were alone, things changed." She rubbed the scar on her wrist absently. "You were paying attention then, and you were trying to help me, and you didn't give up. Even if it was just because of guilt or whatever, you still helped me out. And that was a good thing. Do you get that? It's important that you understand that."
He nodded. "Okay, I guess."
She leaned forward, her expression severe. "No, not 'I guess'. Do you get it or not?"
He held his hands up defensively. "I get it. It . . . it was a good thing."
She backed off. "That's right. And I'm grateful for that." She sounded very tired.
"Okay." Shinji shifted uncomfortably.
"Also, Nagisa was right. You're a good person, and you deserve to live a happy life. What happened after, with Third Impact -- that was Nerv. It was all about them and their shitty goals, all of it. None of it was your fault. I really, really want you to understand that."
Shinji was reeling now. "Asuka, this is . . . this isn't like you. What's going on? Why are you saying all of this?"
"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to make sure you understood all of that." She stood up. "Look, I gotta get going." She headed for the door. Halfway there, she turned around. "Oh, one more thing: I don't hate you anymore. I just . . . I didn't understand you, and didn't know how to deal with you." She gave him another weak smile. "Maybe in another life, one without Nerv, we could have been friends. Imagine that, huh?"
"Asuka, I don't --" he began.
"It's fine, Shinji.  Take care of yourself, okay?" She headed for the door.
Shinji followed after her, starting to panic. "Asuka," he said.
She turned, irritated. "What?"
He licked his lips, mind racing. What should he say? "I really wish we could have been friends. More than anything."
She stared at him. For a moment her lip quivered, before her composure broke completely. She closed her eyes, then opened them and sucked in a deep, centering breath. "Sorry, Shin," she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "It's not getting any better. Night after night after night, the same thing. I can't take it anymore. I just can't."
Shinji was frantic now. "We should talk to Misato. I'm sure she'll be able to help --"
She gave him a small smile, shook her head, then coughed. "Can I get a glass of orange juice?" she asked. "I'm really thirsty for some reason."
"Huh? Sure." He headed into the kitchen, desperately trying to think of something he could say to stop her. He was reaching for the orange juice when he realized his mistake. He headed back toward the front door . . .
. . . but of course she was long gone.

"Do we have any GPS information on her?" Misato asked.
"No ma'am," Hyuga replied. "She shut her phone off before she left and we found the secondary tracker in a garbage bin outside the train station."
"God damn it. That girl is far too clever for her own good." Misato sighed, rubbing her forehead wearily. "Alright, finding her is top priority. Get all available personnel involved in the search. She's a red-headed American in Japan, she can't be that hard to find."
"Yes ma'am."
Misato's phone rang. When she answered she heard a frantic voice on the other end. "Whoa, Shinji, slow down! I can't make out what you're saying!" She listended for a bit. "What? Why didn't you call me?" She frowned. "No, that's not your fault. She can be very persuasive like that." She sighed. "Don't worry, Shinji. We'll find her. Just sit tight and leave it to us, okay? Yes, I'm sure she's fine. We'll do our best, I promise." She nodded. "Okay, bye."
She hung up. "Shit."

She was trying to calm a frantic Shinji when she got the call. "Shinji, I promise we'll find her, alright? Calm down!"
"But she was acting really strange, Misato! She was telling me I was a good person, and that Third Impact wasn't my fault, and that she was grateful for what I did for her . . . she was being nice, Misato! It just isn't like her."
Misato smirked. "All of those things are true, you know."
He frowned at her. "That's not the point."
"I know, I know. Trust me, Shinji, I have all of my people working on it. We'll find her."
That's when her phone rang. She picked up, talked for a few seconds, hung up. She flashed Shinji a weak smile. "She turned on her phone, Shinji. We've got her."

Asuka's cell phone signal led Misato to a dumpy hotel in a bad part of town. It didn't take long to find the girl's room. She knocked on the door, once, twice, three times. No answer. She tried the handle and it opened. Asuka was there, naked, sitting with her back to the wall, her head resting on folded arms. Misato entered, clearing the room and the adjoining bathroom. There was a razor blade on the desk by the door, which she pocketed immediately, and she found the girl's clothes in the latter room, neatly folded. 
She knelt by the naked girl before her. "Asuka?" she asked.
Asuka raised her head. Her eyes were dull and listless, full of pain and misery. She met Misato's gaze, but didn't say anything.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
Asuka shook her head slowly, then leaned back against the wall. She closed her eyes again.
Misato looked in the closet for a blanket and wrapped it around the girl. "I'm going to take you out of here, alright? We'll go to my place for now. We can sort everything out in the morning."
Asuka nodded and stood. As she did, Misato caught sight of bruises on the girl's breast and thigh, as well as one knee. She opened her mouth to ask about them, then thought better of it. Asuka headed into the bathroom to change. When she was finished Misato wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulders and walked her back to her car. They didn't speak on the ride back to the apartment complex.

When they knocked on his door Shinji opened it almost immediately. "Asuka!" he said, panic and relief evident in his voice. She didn't reply. He frowned, thinking. "Are you hungry? It's pretty late, but I can make some soup or something really quick if you like."
"That's a good idea, Shinji," Misato said. She turned to Asuka. "When did you last eat anything, anyway?"
Asuka thought for a moment, then said, "I don't remember. A couple of days ago, I think."
Shinji and Misato shared a look, then quickly ushered Asuka into the kitchen. Shinji began making some udon noodles and threw a mix of leftover chicken, rice, and onions into the microwave to heat. Misato and Asuka sat at the table, the latter laying her head on her arms.
"This will be ready in a few minutes, Asuka," Shinji said. "Then you can head over to Misato's place and --"
"I'm staying here tonight," the girl said, interrupting him.
Misato gave Shinji a look. "Um, Asuka, I'm not sure that's such a hot idea."
"I don't care," she said flatly.
"Well . . . " She looked at Shinji. "Is that alright with you?"
He nodded. "Sure."
"Don't worry," Asuka spat. "I won't break your precious Shinji or anything."
"That's not my concern, Asuka," Misato said, taken aback.
Asuka shrugged.
"Well, if that's the way you feel," Misato replied, her tone subdued. "I guess I'll head home, then. Take good care of her, Shinji."
"I will," the boy said.
Misato cast one more look at the girl in front of her, then took her leave.
Once she'd left Shinji said "That wasn't very nice, Asuka."
Asuka shrugged wearily. "I don't care."
"You should care. She was really worried about you."
She sat up, rubbing her face with her hands. "Yeah, right. She only cares about the fact that I caused her a bunch of trouble."
He frowned. "That's really not true, Asuka."
"Whatever."
He didn't press the point, instead opting to finish making the meal in silence. He scooped the noodles onto a plate and added the chicken mix when it was finished heating, then placed the dish in front of Asuka. "Thanks for the food," she said. She took a bite, realized she was terribly hungry, and started eating ravenously. "This is good," she said.
He gave her a weak smile. "Thanks."
She didn't say anything more, opting instead to focus on the meal in front of her.

"Asuka, are you awake?" They were in Shinji's room, her in his futon and him on a tatami mat.
She nodded. "Yeah."
"Can I ask you something?"
She made an irritated noise. "I told you I didn't want to talk about it."
"Not that. Something else."
"What is it?" she asked. She sounded irritated.
"Why did you go to Kyoto?" She didn't respond. "Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have--"
"To get away from you," she said.
"Huh?" he asked, startled.
"I went to get away from you," she repeated.
"Oh," he said, hurt. "I see."
"No, you don't see. I didn't go because I hated you, I just . . . " she sighed.
"it's okay," he said, "you don't have to explain."
"Shut up for a minute. Look, after Third Impact . . . you reminded me of everything terrible that happened to me. None of it was your fault, but I still remembered it every time I looked at you. And I hated that. And then I started taking it out on you, becoming a completely irrational bitch about it, and I hated that too. I hated the person I was becoming, and I wanted it to stop. So I left."
"Did it help?" he asked.
She frowned. "It seemed to, at first. But I was all alone. The doctors didn't understand anything, and the patients were even worse. I couldn't relate to any of them. And that gave me time to think about it, and it just got worse and worse and worse."
"But then why come back?" he asked. "I mean, if I was the reason you left--"
"I wasn't gonna be here for long, Shinji," she said wryly.
"I know that," he said. "It's just that . . . I mean, I don't know what to do. I want to help you, but if I'm just going to upset you and cause problems --"
"You think too much," she said with a smirk.
He blinked. "What? I thought I was stupid."
"You are stupid," she said sagely. "You're stupid and you think too much."
"That doesn't make any sense," he protested.
She laughed. "See? What did I just say?"
He groaned, and she laughed again.
"Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to be my friend?" she asked.
He nodded. "Of course."
"That'd be nice. We should give that a try sometime." She yawned sleepily.
He nodded. "Sure."
"Maybe someday . . . " she said, and drifted off to sleep.