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Ghosts of Evangelion - a post-EoE fic by Bagheera

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Bagheera:
This fic has gotten stupid large. Also, this is the longest scene yet, which means it's actually a proper length. So hooray, I guess? I'll probably be editing it -- I've only made a single pass through it so far -- but I wanted to get this out there for y'all to chew on. Some notes:
[*]Dr. Okada, per Japanese convention, refers to people by their family names. His use of "Mr." or "Miss" parallels the article "san", and when he refers to Shinji as "Ikari" it should be read as "Ikari-kun". If there is a better way to handle this please let me know. Also let me know if I slipped up anywhere -- he shouldn't ever be calling Asuka or Shinji by their given names, and as I noted he should never call Shinji "Mr. Ikari".
[*]As I've noted elsewhere, I really hate psychologists who are portrayed as cold and detached, and this is especially common in Evangelion fics. They aren't like that. They need to cultivate an atmosphere of trust and openness, and that means they need to be friendly and understanding. In that respect Dr. Okada is similar to most therapists I've met -- professional and detached, but open and good humored. I hope this came across well.
[*]I think the flow of the piece works pretty well; I tried not to be repetitive, and I tried not to get too bogged down in details. If it works, tell me. If it doesn't work, tell me that too. Just tell me what you think one way or the other.[/list]

Here we go:

June 1, 2020

(click to show/hide)June 1, 2020

When Asuka entered Dr. Okada's office she looked bitter and defeated, and far older than a mere 18 years old. She plopped down into the chair in front of his desk, every bit the image of a sulking teenager.
The doctor regarded her with interest, stroking his bearded chin with one hand. "And how are you today, Miss Soryu?"
"Tch." She shook her head.
"I take it your night with Shinji didn't go as planned?" he mused.
Asuka glared at him, but said nothing.
He sighed. "Alright, then. Why don't you start from the beginning?"
She fidgeted awkwardly in her chair. "You told me to be careful," she mumbled. "You said I shouldn't force anything."
He nodded. "Yes, I recall saying that."
She didn't reply.
He sighed. "Are you alright?" he asked, a note of concern in his voice.
She shrugged.
He waited a beat, then asked "Do you want to talk about it?"
She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "We started out kissing, and that was fine. He's gotten okay at kissing." She flushed a bit. "But later, when we got undressed . . . " she sighed. "We were both so tense. He still doesn't like to be touched very much, and I just . . . froze up, I guess."
"Is that where things stopped, then?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I figured it'd be okay once we got into it. So I told him to keep going."
He cringed, but didn't comment further. "Go on," he said.
She was embarrassed now. "He was really nervous. He wanted to stop, but I wouldn't let him. And then he was inside of me, and it . . . " she trailed off.
He waited, giving her time to finish at her own pace.
" . . . It hurt. It really hurt. I told him to stop, and he did. He was really upset. Before I knew it he was gone, and a few minutes later Misato showed up. She started to panic, and I didn't get why until I looked down at her. There was . . . there was a lot of blood on the sheet." She gave him a blank stare. "I guess I bled more than usual? I mean, I thought that was normal, but she was acting like I was really injured somehow."
He nodded. "Sometimes it happens like that. It's different for everyone."
She shrugged. "I guess. Anyway, she made sure I was alright, and then asked if Shinji had hurt me or something." She scoffed. "Like he could actually do something like that."
"Well," he noted, "people can do some pretty extreme things in the heat of the moment, things that would be grossly out of character otherwise. I imagine she felt she had to rule out the possibility, for both your sakes."
She shrugged again. "Whatever. Anyway, after that she helped me clean up and change the sheets and stuff. She left after that, and Shinji came back, but he could barely even look at me. He acted like he thought he was a rapist or something." She shook her head despondently. "It'll be forever before he'll even consider doing anything like that again. And now I'm so damn mad and distracted and miserable that I can't even focus on work or studies or anything."
He frowned, then checked his notes. After a moment he said, "Last week you said, 'I want to get it over with. I'm tired of being this broken little girl, this stupid freak who can't function like a normal human being. I just want it over.' Do you remember that?"
"Yes," she admitted.
"Do you still feel that way?" he asked.
Silence.
"Miss Soryu--" he pressed.
"I don't know," she said.
"Miss Soryu, this isn't something you can resolve with brute force," he said gently. "Don't you think it's time you addressed the problem directly?"
She stared at him with trepidation in her eyes. "Just thinking about it scares the hell out of me."
He gave her a reassuring smile. "That's understandable," he said, "but your recent actions indicate a clear desire to resolve this issue. Dancing around it like this is only going to hurt you, as you've already seen."
She closed her eyes, then let out a deep, steadying breath. "Alright," she whispered. "I guess I have no choice at this point."
He nodded. "If you're certain, I'll schedule an appointment with Dr. Sakishima at her earliest convenience."
"Fine," she said.
"Alright then." He made a note in his notebook. "Let's move on. How would you characterize your relationship with Shinji now?"
She frowned in thought. "Strained."
"Is that something you'd like to talk about?"
"I don't know." She scratched her head. "He keeps acting like he did something wrong. I told him it wasn't his fault, but he won't listen."
"How did you tell him?" he asked.
She glared at him. "What does that mean?"
"Well," he began, a wry smile on his face, "did you actually discuss the issue, or did you just call him an idiot and tell him not to worry about it?"
She flinched as his remark struck home. "You act like it's as easy as talking about the weather," she mumbled.
"Of course it's difficult," he chided. "Most things of worth are."
"Tch."
He sighed, then crossed his arms. "Okay," he said patiently, "let's try another approach. How much time have you spent together since Saturday?"
She snorted. "As little as possible. Right now things are just . . . " She waved her arms in frustration. " . . . awkward."
"I see," he mused. "Yes, I'm sure avoiding one another will patch things up nicely."
She glared again, but said nothing.
"Why don't you start with something simple?" he suggested.
"Like what?" she asked.
He shrugged. "How about a date? A movie perhaps."
She eyed him incredulously. "Are you stupid? How do you expect a movie to fix this shit?" she spat.
He held up a hand. "Take it easy, Miss Soryu." She huffed and went back to studying her toenails. "Given your recent difficulties it's understandable that talking things out would be difficult at the moment. But even so, making an effort to spend time with him might help thaw things out. At the very least it would show him that you aren't angry with him."
She frowned. "I don't know. Maybe."
"Why don't you give it a try and let me know how it goes." He checked his schedule. "It looks like I have an appointment with him scheduled for later this week, so I'll see if I can help move things along on that front. Additionally, I'd like to schedule a joint session for you two sometime next week. Would you be amenable to that?"
She shrugged. "Whatever."
"Alright then." He looked at his watch. "Let's stop here for today. Unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about?"
She shook her head.
He nodded. "Very well. Be well, Miss Soryu.
She made a face, heading for the door. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."
Upcoming scenes:
??/07/2016 - Shinji and Misato, right after Asuka leaves for Kyoto
??/??/???? - Shinji and Dr. Okada
??/11/2018 - Asuka and Hikari
??/??/2019 - Shinji's confession
??/??/2020 - "Soryu lives!", aka "Kensuke, what the fuck did you do?"
??/03/2021 - O-ki-na-wa!
~2022 - What the devil does Asuka do, anyway?
~2022 - Shinji's early days at Herz
~2024 - Homecoming
~2026 - Rebirth (true)

I think that's all I have planned for the moment. Stay tuned.

Bagheera:
I tried to write out a therapy scene with Asuka's other psychologist, but quickly realized I had nothing to say. I have no experience with EMDR (or, indeed, any other technique for treating sexual trauma), and I couldn't see any other way the scene was advancing the story. So, I dropped it. This is probably for the best. As such, I've moved on to Shinji's confession! I'm sure nothing bad could possibly happen. This is probably in dire need of editing, but it's been awhile since I posted anything of substance so I've been itching to get it out there. Be prepared for serious mood whiplash.

October 13, 2019

(click to show/hide)October 13, 2019

They were watching TV at his place when he said it. There was nothing of note to watch, of course, it being Sunday morning and all. But it was a nice way to kill time until her lunch date with Hikari. And then, out of the blue, he said it. "Asuka?" he asked.
She kept her attention on the TV. "What is it?"
He fidgeted a bit, then said, "I think I . . . like you."
She turned her head, appraising him for a moment. Then she narrowed her eyes and said, "Idiot. Don't talk about things you don't understand."
He blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She snorted. "You don't even know what love is, you blockhead."
He frowned. "I don't think that's true."
"Of course it's true," she mocked. "You can't even love yourself, what on earth makes you think you can love me?"
He fidgeted. "Well . . . "
"Things are hard enough for us without you saying stupid shit like that," she went on. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"I don't . . . " Shinji sputtered, shrinking back. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I just thought it was something you'd like to hear."
"'Something I'd like to hear'," she repeated. "Yeah, that's what I figured."
Shinji's mouth worked, but no sound came out.
"Shinji," she said coldly, "do you really think I don't know what people say about me?" Her lips twisted into a mocking sneer. " 'Oh that Asuka, she's such a bitch! Can't you do something to calm her down?' That's what they say. And here you come, saying you like me, or any of the other stupid things you've been saying the past few weeks. Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?"
He shook his head, utterly bewildered. "No, you're wrong! That's not--"
"It is!" she barked. She pointed at his crotch. "That's the only love you've ever known, and we both know how that turned out!"
Shinji went very still, remembering the horrible day and all the self-hatred that went along with it. "How can you say that?" he asked. "You know I . . . " he trailed off, unable to continue.
She took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. When she opened her eyes, She glared at him in disgust. "What we have between us is guilt and desperation, not love. I don't like it. I know you don't like it, either. But we're stuck with it. Don't make it worse for both of us by pretending it's something it's not."
He didn't respond. He just drooped, shocked into silence by her words.
She glared at him again, but held her tongue. She looked at her watch. "I gotta go meet up with Hikari." She stood up, heading for the door. "I'll see you later."
He remained silent. She glanced back at him as she left, chewing her lower lip in indecision. Then she scowled and pressed forward, closing the door behind her.

Asuka was in a foul mood when she got to the noodle shop. After ordering a bowl of udon she found Hikari, sat down, and angrily started eating.
"You seem upset," her friend observed. "Is something wrong?"
Asuka stabbed at her noodles with her chopsticks. "That brat Shinji," she replied. "He's really pissing me off lately."
"Brat?" Hikari observed.
"He had the nerve to tell me he liked me this morning," Asuka growled.
Hikari clapped her hands together in glee. "Shinji confessed? That's wonderful!"
Asuka glared at her. "Don't make me laugh," she growled.
Hikari looked confused. "What do you mean? What's wrong?"
Asuka shook her head. "He doesn't mean it, Hikari," she said. "He's just as fucked up as I am, he doesn't know how to love another person." She scowled. "He's such a wimp. People complain about me being a bitch all the time, and lately he's been offering me silly bits of praise just to keep me under control." She fiercely attacked her noodles. "If only he'd stand up for himself. Or me! So what if I piss people off? He knows what it's like, he should stick up for me anyway. But no, he just wants to avoid causing a fuss. Can't have people upset at him or anything, oh no."
Hikari gave her a skeptical look. "I don't think that's true, Asuka."
"Of course it's true," she spat. She stared at the table mounfully, dragging her fingers through her hair. "Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? We were doing okay for a while there, and now he has to start all of this shit." She clenched a fist. "It makes me so mad!"
Hikari raised her hands, urging Asuka to calm down. "Now wait," she began. "Did he actually say anything like that?"
"He didn't have to," Asuka said. "He wouldn't know subtlety if he tripped over it, so it's obvious."
Hikari didn't reply, instead watching in silence as Asuka devoured her food.
"I'm gonna get another bowl," Asuka mumbled.
"Okay." Soon after Asuka left, Touji Suzuhara entered the shop. Hikari waved at him. "Hi Touji!"
Touji walked over to the table, smiling at his girlfriend all the while. "Hey, 'Kari." He glanced over at Asuka. "How's the demon doing?"
Hikari scowled. "You better not call her that to her face, Touji. She's in a really bad mood today."
They didn't get any farther before Asuka returned. She gave Touji a tight glare as she sat down. "What the hell are you doing here?" she growled.
Touji gave her a mocking smile. "Love you too, Soryu."
Asuka slammed down her bowl and stabbed a finger in Touji's direction. "Don't you start with me, Suzuhara. I've already had enough of that shit from Shinji today, and if you push me I'll make you sorry, peace treaty or no."
Touji shot Hikari an inquiring look. "Shinji confessed to her this morning," she explained.
Touji looked back at Asuka, puzzled. "And that's bad?"
Asuka slammed her fist on the table and glared at Touji.
"She doesn't think he means it," Hikari explained. "She thinks it's an act or something, to make sure she doesn't cause anyone any trouble."
"That's exactly it!" Asuka insisted. "If you could only see the way he acts toward me . . . " She gritted her teeth, then dug into her second bowl.
Touji frowned. "Uh, Soryu . . . "
She shot him a glare that promised death if he continued.
He shifted uncomfortably. "Look, you know I'm not exactly your biggest fan and all, but I think you're kinda off base here."
"Then you're an idiot," she spat.
He shook his head. "No, seriously, what you're saying doesn't make sense. I spend more time with the guy than anyone, apart from you I guess, and he never talks about you embarrassing him or anything. He just wants to make you happy."
"Of course he does," she snarled. "If he makes me happy he'll get praise, and then he'll feel like he's worth a damn. Same old Shinji."
Touji and Hikari shared a look. "Asuka," Hikari began, "that's a really cynical way to look at it."
Asuka didn't look up. "What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Well," Hikari hedged, "it's true that he's always a little concerned or upset when he's talking about you, since that's just the way you two are . . . "
Asuka made a face, but didn't comment.
" . . . but even so, when he talks about something good that happened between you two his face just lights up, like he--"
"Yeah!" Touji interrupted. "He'll get this stupid grin on his face, like he's the happiest guy on Earth."
Hikari nodded.
Asuka looked up. "That's . . . that's insane." She glared at them. "You guys are just defending him!"
Touji scoffed. "You think it's just us?" he asked, incredulous.
Asuka looked at Hikari. Hikari blushed a little, then said, "Everyone knows about it." She laughed nervously. "It's, ah . . . it's kinda obvious."
Asuka shook her head, wide-eyed. "No, he's just . . . I mean, it's Shinji, he . . ." She looked from Hikari to Touji and back again. "Everyone?" she asked.
"Well . . . " Hikari hedged. She glanced at Touji, then shrugged.
Asuka went still, considering. All at once, the full weight of the morning's events hit her like a ton of bricks. Her fingers slackened, her chopsticks falling to the floor.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked, concerned. "Are you alright?"
Asuka leaned forward, cradling her head in her hands.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked again. "Asuka!"
Asuka slowly turned her head to face her friend. "Hikari, I think I might have made a huge mistake."
Hikari gave Touji a telling look, and he got up to leave without another word. Hikari moved her chair next to Asuka's and put a comforting arm around her friend's shoulders. "It will be alright," she soothed. "We'll get Shinji here and get this all sorted out."
Asuka didn't reply. She just sat there, hands tangled in her hair, feeling her world falling to pieces around her.

Shinji glowered at Touji as they approached the noodle shop. "Why are we doing this again?" he grumbled. "It's not like it'll change anything."
Touji frowned. "I don't know if it will or not, but you didn't see her earlier. She's really messed up."
Shinji glowered. "Like that's news. She's always messed up, same as me."
"I know but . . . " Touji scratched his head. "We gotta do something, y'know? I mean, it's not like we think we can fix your problems or anything, but we gotta at least try."
Shinji just shrugged. "Fine, whatever." They reached the noodle shop, and he let his friend lead him inside.
The girls were in the back, just as before. Shinji wasn't sure what he'd expected to find when he got there, but the miserable girl in front of him wasn't it. She looked defeated, like someone who'd realized she'd lost and had resigned herself to her fate. She didn't say anything, to him or anyone else. She just stared off into space, as if in a daze.
Shinji gave her a concerned look, then frowned. He turned to leave. "I'm going home," he said.
Hikari stood up. "Shinji, wait! Asuka wants to apologize."
Asuka gave her a hollow laugh. "It's too late," she rasped. "An apology won't take back what I said."
Hikari stared at her owlishly. "You have to try though, don't you?" Hikari looked at both of them uncertainly, the severity of the situation unmistakable.
Shinji sat down, regarding Asuka with a mixture of hurt and anger. His fingers twitched, before closing into a fist. "You need to start listening to what I say," he said softly. "I may be an idiot, but I know how I feel. Better than you do, anyway."
She nodded.
"I don't mind being hurt sometimes," he went on. "That doesn't mean I like it, but I can deal with it. It means you're being honest with me and I appreciate that. But this morning, you went too far."
"I know," she said.
He leaned on the table. "When you got back from Kyoto, you said you wanted to be friends with me. Don't you remember that?"
Asuka's eyes were watering. "Yes."
"Is this how you treat your friends?" His voice was tinged with anger. "Are things really so terrible between us that you would say something like that?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, tears rolling down her face, and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I--"
"That doesn't help," he said. "If that's how you really feel . . . "
Asuka was sobbing now. Hikari put a comforting arm around her and shot Shinji a disapproving frown. "That's enough, Shinji."
He stared at Asuka, hurt and confused and ashamed. A few moments later he stood, and turned to leave. "Fine," he said. "I'll see you later, then." He left the noodle shop, leaving the crying girl in his wake.

It was dark when Asuka got home. She entered, and found him watching TV. "I'm home," she said.
He nodded at her. "Welcome back," he replied. His tone was subdued.
She joined him in front of the TV. She sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked at him several times, chewing her lip as she tried to think of something to say. The silence between them stretched on for several minutes. He looked . . . resigned. It wasn't surprising, really; the situation was what it was, and he was very good at coping. Asuka squeezed her eyes shut, suppressing a shudder as she replayed the morning's events in her mind. She took a deep breath, and slowly began speaking. "I just couldn't believe that you felt that way about me," she said, her voice low. "I have so many problems, and I'm such a nasty bitch sometimes," she went on. She smiled a self-deprecating smile. "Well, most of the time, I guess." She laughed awkwardly. "And I'm not even all that pretty anymore, thanks to these stupid scars. I couldn't imagine anyone would feel that way about me. So I just assumed . . . " she shrugged.
"I know," he said. "It's fine."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't say that. It makes you seem like a doormat."
He shrugged. "Sorry."
She scowled. "And don't start that again!" She turned to stare at the TV. "Why would you even feel that way about me, anyway?"
"Who cares?" he asked. "It's not like it matters anyway."
"It matters!" she exclaimed. "It matters to me, anyway."
He looked at her, then at the floor. He frowned, considering. "In the beginning all I felt was guilt, just like you said. I felt horrible for what had happened to you, and I didn't do anything to stop it." He looked back at her. "But a lot's happened since then. There's so much more to it now."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well . . . " he took his chin in hand. "Things were really hard for us after Third Impact. Even when we weren't fighting, there were still the dreams, and just trying to get by. It was so awful."
"Yeah." Asuka smiled ruefully, hard pressed to disagree.
"But no matter how hard it got," he went on, "you endured. You were so fierce and strong, and even when you used it against me I still admired that strength."
Asuka scowled. "What does that have to do with anything?"
But Shinji ignored her, caught up in his memories. "And it wasn't always bad!" he said. "We had good days, too. Sometimes we'd find a really good stash of food, or . . . " he brightened. "The cello! You remembeer the cello, right?"
She flushed a bit. "Yeah."
"You went to so much trouble to bring it back, to fix things." He smiled at her fondly. "You have no idea how much that meant to me."
She shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I had to do something . . . "
"And after that," he went on, "well . . . why wouldn't I start to like you? Isn't that natural in that sort of situation?
She was beet red at this point. "How would I know?" she mumbled.
"We were fighting a lot when Misato found us," he went on, "so all I felt at that point was frustration. But then, when you went to Kyoto . . . " he shook his head. "After things settled down a bit I was really worried about you. I never heard anything about what was going on, so I didn't know if you were getting better or not. All I knew was that I wasn't there to look after you, and that was really important to me for some reason. And I never really figured out what any of that meant." He thought for a moment, then shrugged. "But then you came back, and we talked about everything, and I just . . . stopped hurting so much. I started thinking about you without having to worry that something terrible would happen, and . . . " He turned toward her, looking at her in earnest. "No one's been saying you're terrible, Asuka. At least not to me. And if they did I wouldn't listen to them. The only reason I've been saying those things is because they're true. I just . . . well, you already know I'm an idiot," he said, blushing.
She giggled.
He coughed. "Well, anyway, that's how I feel."
Asuka chewed her lip, considering. "If that's the case, then I guess I have to . . . have to accept."
"Huh?" he asked, puzzled.
"Your confession," she explained. "That's how it works, right? You confess, I accept."
He blinked a bit at the breathy tone in her voice, then relaxed. "Oh, that," he said. He crossed his arms with a smirk. "Actually, I take it back."
She jerked back. "What?" she asked. "Whaaaat?" she went on. "You can't do that!"
"I don't think there's any rule against it," he said, deadpan.
"You just got done explaining why you like me," she said. "You can't take it back now!"
He harumphed, and stuck out his chin. "Just because I have strong feelings for you doesn't mean I think dating you would be a good idea."
"But you . . . you stupid . . . " she fumed. "Shinji, you brat! That doesn't even make sense!"
"It makes sense to me," he said, sulking. "And besides," he went on, his voice tinged with bitter disappointment, "it's not like you share my feelings, anyway."
She licked her lips, scrambling to recover. "Now, just--hold on a minute, Shinji. Let's not be hasty here."
He looked at her through narrowed eyes. "You weren't exactly unclear about your feelings this morning, you know."
"Well . . . " she trailed off.
"You said--" he began.
"I know what I said!" she shouted. She twiddled her index fingers nervously. "But even so, a lot has happened since then, and I just . . . I just . . . " Her hands shot down to her sides. "I don't want you to take it back!"
He regarded her with mute incredulity. "Are you for real?" he asked.
She crossed her legs, planting her hands in her lap. "Hmph," she said, chin up with all the pride she could muster. She looked at him sidelong, then looked away quickly.
He stared at her in wonder for a couple of beats, then finally gave in. "Fine," he sighed. "If that's what you want."
She nodded. "That's what I want."
"Fine."
"Good."
"Alright."
"Good!"
He turned back to the TV. He watched for a few minutes, then said, "You're impossible."
"Shut up, stupid Shinji," she replied. She sidled up next to him, leaning on him as they watched the TV together.
Comments gratefully accepted.

Up next:
09/2018: Why Asuka didn't go back to Germany
09/2018: Why Hello, Dr. Hachijyo! Let me introduce you to a wounded tiger. Careful, she bites.
04/2019: A mother's work, aka Asuka learns the truth about Yui Ikari

Along with the stuff I've mentioned previously. No idea which is coming next, actually; have to see where my mood takes me.

Bagheera:
Okay, edits! The very first scene has been edited a bit, as I didn't like the ending. The most recent scene has also been edited, but only to remove the last line -- too saccharine for my tastes. And, as noted, the OCs' names have changed. Here's what I've got:

Dr. Okada has become Dr. Shiori Okada -- "Okada" in the real world is the president of Gainax. "Shiori" means "flowing" or "bending" -- appropriate for a general therapist who tries different approaches to help people, and suggestive of rivers  and water in general.
Dr. Sakishima has become Dr. Manaka Sakishima -- Both names are from Nagi no Asukara, an anime with deep ties to the sea.
Dr. Kobayashi has become Dr. Kotetsu -- the Kotetsu was an Imperial era battleship, a relic of the past.
Prof. Nakamura has become Prof. Hibiki Kohaku -- "Hibiki" is a research vessel in the modern Japanese fleet. Kohaku is just a name I liked.

Ironically, I think I got it closer to Anno's actual methodology by saying "fuck it"; many of his names, including Shinji's, are not for boats. It's obvious I just need to relax and name people as I like.

The naming pattern will be obvious to anyone who cares to Google the names, so have at it. It will take awhile to post all the edits, so please bear with me.

Oh yeah, new scene. It's very rough, and probably needs to be edited/expanded, but whatever, I think it does what it needs to do:

September 14, 2018

(click to show/hide)September 14, 2018

Misato found her in the apartment complex's common area, sitting at a table with her head on folded arms. "There you are, Asuka," she said, by way of greeting. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
Asuka didn't bother raising her head. "If you'd looked everywhere you would have found me by now," she observed.
Misato laughed self-consciously. "Oh yeah, I guess that's true." She sat down across from the girl and folded her hands before her on the table. She twiddled her thumbs, trying to think of the best way to broach the topic at hand.
Asuka tolerated the silence for a bit, then said "Well?"
Misato smiled innocently. "Well what?"
Asuka raised her head and scowled at her one-time guardian. "You aren't being Ms. Nicey Nice, trying to make me feel better or whatever, so that means you have something to say. And since you're nervous about it, that means it's probably something I won't like. Get on with it."
Misato flinched, then sighed and gave in. "You're very clever, Asuka."
"Tch."
Misato nodded and began. "As you may recall, your father returned while you were in Kyoto. He and the German government have been inquiring about your return to Germany. I've been able to stall them for the time being, citing your health concerns, but now that you've checked yourself out of the hospital I have to give them an answer."
Asuka frowned. "So you're sending me back."
Misato shook her head. "I didn't say that."
Asuka crossed her arms and leaned back. "You just got done saying how clever I am, so don't insult my intelligence."
Misato shot her a frosty glare. "Don't let your bitterness and anger cloud your judgement. The fact of the matter is that I have no intention of sending you anywhere you don't want to go."
"Whatever." Asuka shook her head. "It's not like you have any say in the matter, anyway. I'm a minor, and--"
"You're a minor who's in my legal custody, and that's the way it's going to stay until we decide otherwise."
Asuka scoffed at her. "Oh, please. How would that even work?"
Misato smiled mildly. "Bluntly, the Germans have no claim on you, since you're an American citizen, and I'm not exactly convinced your father has your best interests at heart." She folded her arms, resting her elbows on the table as she leaned forward. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves, here. Before we get to the how and the why of it, you need to answer one simple question."
Asuka cocked her head in curiosity.
"Do you want to go back, or not?"
Asuka just stared at her incredulously, then shook her head and once again crossed her arms. She looked out the window and was silent for a few moments. "All I ever had there was Eva," she murmured. "Father ignored me, my stepmother never wanted me around, and I never had any friends since I was always training and stuff. And now, with my Eva gone, with my . . . mama gone . . . " She rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands. "There's nothing there for me now," she said. "I'm just a failure to them, why would they even want me back?"
Misato smiled sadly. "Maybe your father wants to reconnect with you. It's possible--"
"I didn't even see him in Instrumentality," Asuka interrupted. "I saw you, and Mr. Kaji, and Shinji, and Mama, and lots of others, but not him. Not my stepmother, either. Isn't that strange?"
"I don't think it's strange at all," Misato said reassuringly. "We're the ones you're close to, and that's what seemed to matter in Instrumentality."
"Hmmm," Asuka said absently. She was playing with her hair, deep in thought. Presently, she looked Misato squarely in the eye and said, "I don't want to go back. I don't . . . I don't know what I'm going to do here, but I don't want to go back."
Misato nodded. "Alright, then. That's fine. You're welcome here as long as want to stay with us, and I really mean that."
Asuka gave her a dubious look, then said, "But even so, how can you possibly think this will work? If they want me back--"
"Let me worry about the details, okay?" Misato said with a grin. "This is just politics to them, really; as soon as they realize they'll have to fight to get you back they'll leave it alone."
Asuka snorted. "Figures."
Misato's expression softened. "But you really should consider your father's position," she said. She held up a hand to stave off the girl's indignation. "Believe me, Asuka, I understand how you feel. I resented my father for years for many of the same reasons you resent yours. And I regret that now, since there's no way for me to repair things with him. But your father's alive, Asuka. That gives you options, some of them very precious. Please remember that."
Asuka looked at her guardian thoughtfully, but said nothing in response.
"What is it, Asuka?" Misato asked.
"Nothing, really," Asuka mused. "It just occurred to me that you've done more for me in the past week than they have for my entire life."
Misato beamed at her for a moment, but her face fell as the implications of Asuka's words sank in. All of a sudden she felt a crushing wave of sympathy for the girl in front of her. She took Asuka's hand in her own and said, "I'll take care of you, Asuka. I promise."
Asuka took her hand back. "We'll see," she said.
Next scene: Asuka learns the nitty gritty about Yui Ikari. IOW, EXPOSITION. Might or might not involve Dr. Hibiki, Misato, Fuyutsuki, others.

Also, I really need to do a few scenes without Asuka. Because, holy shit man, you'd think the world revolved around her or something in this fic. That isn't my intent, but biases are what they are.  ;D

Bagheera:
So, Asuka told me to fuck off for awhile. Said she was tired or something. Anyway, I saw the fourth chapter of Afterwards... by Paul Hodges (pwhodges at EvaGeeks) and got to thinking about how I think Shinji would handle that, and how his victim should respond. So, now we have a bit with Touji! I'm going with that spelling of his name for now, since it feels right for some reason. No telling if it will stick. As for the chapter, it's short. I can't tell if that means it's inadequate or just wonderfully dense with information. Maybe both, maybe neither. Maybe you can tell me! Anyway, here goes:

August 26, 2016

(click to show/hide)August 26, 2016

Shinji was exiting the shower when he heard a knock on the door. He cursed, wrapping the towel around him. He headed for the door. "Who could that be?" he wondered.
He was not prepared for the face that greeted him when he opened the door. "Touji!" he exclaimed.
Touji gave hm a wistful smile. "Heya, Shin-man," he said, somewhat subdued. "How ya doin'?"
"I-" Shinji stammered. "I'm . . . "
Touji smirked. "Spit it out, dummy."
"I . . . please come in!" Shinji bowed and moved away from the doorway.
Touji chuckled and stepped inside. Shinji just stared him for a few moments, then said, " I . . . I gotta get dressed."
"Sure," Touji laughed. "Take your time."
Shinji left for a bit, then returned fully dressed. He looked at Touji, still shocked by the latter's presence. "How did you find me?" he asked.
Touji laughed. "It wasn't hard," he said. "When I came out there were people there to meet me, and I said I was a friend of yours. They told Miss Misato, and she told me how to find you. So I came here as soon as I could." He blushed a little. "Well, after I tracked down Hikari, that is."
Shinji brightened. "Miss Horaki's here? She's alive?"
Touji nodded. "Yep! She's fine. Her sisters are too." He grinned. "And so is Sakura, in case you're wondering."
Shinji smiled, delighted. "Thank goodness," he said. His face fell, a tidal wave of guilt engulfing him as the memories took hold. "I'm sorry I never came to see you," he said, his voice cracking. "After what happened I couldn't . . . I couldn't face you, and . . . " He stopped, frowning in confusion as he looked his friend over. "Your leg," he whispered. "It's . . . "
Touji looked at his leg, laughing lightly. "Yeah," he said. "Pretty cool, huh?" He looked back at Shinji. "It's weird, though; the leg's fine, but there's a scar where it was originally cut off. Kinda freaks me out."
Shinji nodded. "It's the same with Asuka," he said. "She has scars around her eye, and down her arm, and on her stomach. She's," he blushed, "she's really self-conscious about them."
"Heh," Touji said. "Guess that makes sense. Sucks though."
"Yeah." Shinji gulped, then looked at his friend. He bowed deeply. "I'm so sorry! That was all my fault. If only I had done something . . . " He righted himself, clenching his fists. "I always run away! And when I do, something terrible happens. To you, to Asuka, to Ayanami . . . everyone always suffers because of me!"
Touji just stared at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked, baffled.
Shinji blinked in confusion.
"You weren't the one who infected me with an Angel," his friend went on. "You were just a kid, Shinji. I mean, you didn't even know who was piloting the Eva, right? You just didn't want to hurt anyone. And then you were in this impossible situation, and you just . . . froze up. How was that your fault?"
Shinji scowled. "Asuka says the same thing," he said.
Touji blinked, surprised. "Really?" he asked. He scratched his head. "Huh. Well, she's right."
Shinji shook his head. "But I should have done something! I should have--"
Touji held up a hand. "Look man, it's no big deal. I mean yeah, maybe you should have done something, but so what? Maybe if you had things would have been worse. Who knows? Either way I'm not gonna blame you for what happened. The Angel's responsible for that, not you."
Shinji sulked. "Even so . . . " he said.
Touji scowled. "Look," he growled, "I didn't come here to argue with you. We gonna hit the arcade, or what?"
Shinji blinked at him, stunned. Then he grinned. "Sure!" he said.
Touji jerked his head to the door. "Alright then, let's go."
Shinji nodded, following his friend out the door.
Next: Hopefully Dr. Okada and Misato, AKA War Crimes. Look forward to it!

Bagheera:
Asuka: Here, do this one. There's a lot to work with there.
Bagheera: What? I thought you said you were tired.
A: Never mind that. Just do it.
B: I believe your exact words were "Fuck off, I'm tired."
A: Are you actually arguing with me?
B: . . .
A: Well?
B: Shinji's right, you're impossible.
A: Heh.

Misato and the good doctor will have to wait, I guess. So it goes. Not sure about the date on this one; it feels like it should be a couple months later along, but OTOH Hikari really should show up sometime in the week after Asuka gets back from Kyoto, so whatever. I guess it works whenever.

September 12, 2018

(click to show/hide)September 12, 2018

"Bye Akemi! Bye Kaneko!" Hikari said, waving at her classmates. "See you tomorrow!" She turned to head up the block, leaving her classmates behind as she made her way home. "Now let's see," she mused to herself. "What should I make for dinner? Leftover beef stew maybe? Father would like that, but Nozomi would probably prefer something more exciting. I wonder . . . "
As she turned onto her street she spotted a familiar figure hunched over near a tree several blocks from her house. The girl was on all fours, retching. "Asuka?" Hikari whispered. She hurried over to her friend. "Asuka!" she called, concern evident in her voice. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" She took Asuka's shoulders in her hands, but backed off when the girl flinched.
Asuka held up a hand. "I'm alright," she said, heaving.
Hikari waited for her to finish, then took her hand and helped her stand. Asuka leaned against the tree, panting heavily. "You don't sound alright," Hikari said, frowning.
Asuka shook her head, then stared at her friend through bleary eyes. "I was on the train," she said, by way of explanation. "I figured I'd surprise you, and we'd go shopping or something." She closed her eyes. "I don't normally have problems on trains," she said. "Most people have the sense to give me my space, and no one wants to deal with a scarred chick anyway." She opened her eyes again, staring off into space. "But this time, there was some punk there, really full of himself." She smiled ruefully. "He didn't even do anything. He just stared at me, licking his lips. And I remembered . . . " Her eyes went wide, her hand going to her stomach by reflex. She closed her eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass. "I got off the train at the next stop, and managed to run here before it hit me. That was . . . what time is it, anyway?"
Hikari checked her watch. "Uh, it's 4:29."
"Christ, that was an hour ago. I've been here that long?" She wearily wiped her eyes.
Hikari fidgeted uncertainly. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked. She looked at the ground, wrinkling her nose. "I'd invite you for dinner, but you probably aren't hungry at the moment."
Asuka shook her head. "Don't worry about it. I'll just go home. Sorry about the mess." She pushed away from the tree, and staggered a bit. Hikari caught her, and let go when Asuka gently pushed her away.
"I'm not letting you go alone," Hikari said. "I'll go with you, if that's alright."
Asuka frowned. "You don't have to," she said. "I don't want to be a bother."
Hikari shook her head. "It's fine," she said. "I'll just call dad and let him know." She smirked as she dug her phone out of her purse. "Guess Nozomi gets beef stew again after all!"
"Heh."
They headed to the train station after Hikari finished her call, and made their way back to Shinji's apartment.

Shinji was doing the dishes when the pair knocked on his door. He opened it, and smiled at Hikari. "Hi Hikari," he said, ushering them in. "I'm glad Asuka found you, she was really--" he stopped, looking at Asuka curiously. "What happpened?" he asked.
She shrugged. "Flashback," she said, unconcerned. She and Hikari sat at the kitchen table.
"I see," he said. He took a step toward her, and then stopped. He swallowed thickly, then turned toward Hikari. "Say Hikari," he said, forced levity in his voice. "I don't think I've ever played for you, have I?" Asuka shot him a sidelong glance, one corner of her mouth quirked up in an almost-smile.
Hikari blinked in confusion. "Huh?"
"My cello," Shinji explained. "You knew I played, right?"
Hikari's face took on a stern expression. "Ikari, I don't think this is the time--"
"That's a good idea, Shnji," Asuka interrupted. "You should do that."
Shinji nodded, then headed toward his room to get the cello. Hikari looked at Asuka in confusion, then scowled and got up to follow Shinji. "Hikari--" Asuka said, a hand trailing after her. But it was too late, as Hikari had already rounded the corner. Asuka shrugged with a sigh and lay her head on the table.
Shinji had grabbed the cello when Hikari confronted him. She stood in the doorway to his room, hands on hips. "Why would you say something like that, Ikari? Can't you see she's upset? Something awful happened to her and you're acting like it's nothing!"
Shinji smiled sadly. "There's nothing I can do, Hikari. She won't let me hold her, and if I just sit there she gets mad. But this," he said, indicating the cello, "this is something I can do. It distracts her, and lets me be with her without getting too close. This is what she needs right now. It's not much, but . . . " He shrugged, trailing off.
Hikari's ire had shifted to surprise. She stroked her chin, giving him a thoughtful look. "You've put some thought into this, haven't you?"
He gave her a nervous smile. "We spent a lot of time together after Third Impact," he explained. "And when she got back from Kyoto, well--"
"I can hear you two, you know." Asuka hadn't moved from her spot in the kitchen.
Shinji and Hikari both flinched as their friend cut Shinji off, then flushed and laughed at one another nervously. Hikari stepped aside, letting Shinji pass before following him and rejoining Asuka in the kitchen. She laughed again when she saw Asuka, who responed by rolling her eyes. She turned to Shinji, who was setting up the cello. "Get on with it, idiot."
"I'm almost ready," he replied.
When he finished setting up Shinji frowned for a moment, deciding what to play. Presently he nodded, took a breath to center himself, and began. He picked the prelude to Bach's first cello suite, which had oddly become one of her favorites since he started playing for her.
Hikari watched him, delighted by his talent. She turned to Asuka, who listened silently with her chin in her hands. Her eyes were closed, and she swayed slightly in time with the music. She had visibly relaxed since he started playing. Hikari smiled, relieved, then turned back toward Shinji as he finished the piece. "That was great Shinji!" she said, clappiing excitedly.
Asuka smiled mildly at Hikari's enthusiasm, but nodded in agreement nevertheless. "Yeah, that wasn't bad. You seem to be putting some effort into your practice these days, eh?"
Shinji laughed, scratching his head in embarrassment at the praise. "Well, since you liked it and all, it seemed like a good idea," he said. "Should I play some more?" He looked at the clock. "Oh, wait; I should probably get started on dinner. Would you like to stay Hikari?"
Hikari nodded. "Sure," she answered.
Shinji nodded and leaned the cello against the wall, then set to work making dinner.
As always, feedback is appreciated. Next time: Misato and Dr. Okada. Probably.

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